Looking at my calendar, everything seemed manageable. Coaching sessions, a bit of admin, then meeting a friend for coffee. But by the time I’d done my emails, I hit a wall.
Surely meeting my friend for coffee isn’t stressful? I can’t cancel a plan just because I got overwhelmed by writing some emails…
A classic case of planning my day based on the time available in my calendar, and not my energy capacity.
Everyone has to account for both time and energy in life, it’s just part of juggling adult responsibilities without driving yourself into the ground. However, many neurodivergent people are doing a great deal of extra management behind the scenes.
Autistic people, for example, are processing a great deal more data and input neurologically than the average person. Many cognitive processes that can run on autopilot for most people are painstakingly deliberate (even paralysing) for autistic brains.
An ADHDer might be utterly exhausted after doing some household chores or a complex admin task, due to the executive functioning challenges associated with these things.
How do you start to understand your own energy expenditure, so that you can plan better and avoid going beyond your capacity?
Let’s start with spoon theory, since it’s a popular analogy that you might hear people talk about (as in, ‘I just don’t have the spoons for that’).
What is spoon theory?
Spoon theory came out of a conversation where Christina Miserandino was trying to convey the challenges of her chronic illness to a friend. She used spoons as a metaphor to show the reality of living with limited energy in her day-to-day life.
She gave her friend a handful of spoons, then took one away as she listed each of the daily activities that would take some of her daily resources. By the time she’d taken a spoon each for getting up, getting dressed, making breakfast and shopping for groceries, her friend could see the point. There were hardly any spoons left for the rest of the day.
Miserandino explained that once the spoons were gone, she was DONE for the day. Nothing else could happen. She described the level of exhaustion she’d face if she went beyond her capacity, and the fact that she never really knew how many spoons she might have access to on a given day. It landed – her friend could finally grasp what she was going through.
This concept has been widely adopted for those living with chronic illness, and it’s been adapted for those with neurodivergence, who have parallel experiences of sometimes drastically reduced capacity in daily life.
Going beyond the simple concept of spoon theory, the concept of ‘energy accounting’ in neurodivergence goes into a bit more depth.
Energy accounting in neurodivergence
Energy accounting is a way of working with the resources that we have. By noticing the ‘energy expenditure’ of different aspects of daily life, we can account for this, making it less likely that we tip into states of overload and depletion. When we do start to notice signs of stress or overwhelm, energy accounting can serve as a tool to understand what’s happened, and adjust accordingly.
Some people see it as a battery that’s moving between full and empty. There are tasks that will drain the battery (some more than others), and those that will recharge it.
For example, an autistic person may find seemingly routine – or even fun – tasks require a lot of spoons. They could be totally wiped out from being in an environment that is loud or bright (like a supermarket or café), masking in a social situation, or replying to an email.
The difficulty of getting a certain task done might not be visible to other people. Due to their spiky cognitive profiles, neurodivergent people may have amazing strengths in many areas. And when people see them exhibit a high level of skill in complex or specialised tasks, it’s hard to comprehend how taxing and painful things may be behind the scenes.
In my earlier simple-seeming example, you might see that an ADHDer’s house is clean and tidy. You might assume it’s easy for it to be kept that way, even if it feels like a near impossible feat for that person.
It’s confusing for neurodivergent people too. I often wonder how I can excel in highly complex endeavours, almost finding them easy, and then be turned inside out by basic life stuff? How do you come to terms with having limited capacity for things that just need to be dealt with day in, day out?
What we’re really accounting for is stress, especially in neurodivergence
What we’re really looking at with energy accounting is stress. Depending on the way our brain works, activities that are generally assumed to be straightforward and routine may generate a stress response.
Our nervous system doesn’t care if a certain activity is ‘supposed’ to be easy, or if other people can do it without breaking a sweat. So – going back to the example of autism – unexpectedly bumping into an acquaintance whilst out for a walk might create a stress response, and drain energy resources for the day (even if you like the acquaintance in question).
There are things we can’t plan for, but by keeping tabs on our energy resources overall, we can aim to balance out activities or stressors. It helps in making decisions around what to take on socially or professionally, and whether we need to have stricter boundaries for a while in order to recover until we regain capacity.
How to apply energy accounting to balance activities with energy
Some tips for applying energy accounting:
- Make a list of activities that you do on a regular basis
- Give these activities a score, based on whether they increase or reduce your capacity (note that this will be a rough estimate, because it fluctuates depending on many things, such as sleep, hormones or current mood).
- Look at the past couple of weeks, what can you notice in terms of your stress levels?
- Look at the next couple of weeks - are there any ‘danger zones’ where you’ve got too many things that drain energy, without enough ‘refuel’ time?
- Notice if there are any surprises. Are there tasks or activities that you think should be easy, that actually are quite taxing for you?
- How could you adjust your planning? Perhaps spacing out activities or putting in place some boundaries around your time.
- How could the work you’ve done here impact the decisions you make or how you plan your time?
These are useful actions to take, and even writing out a relevant question or reminder to have in the back of your mind can go a long way. Something like ‘How much energy will this take for me?’ or ‘Do I have the capacity for this right now?’ written up on a whiteboard or a post-it whilst you get used to this kind of planning.
Having said that, when I’m working with clients in coaching, there’s often a deeper adjustment going on too. It’s one thing to start to realise how much capacity you have, and notice when you see signs of stress. It’s another thing entirely to accept that reality.
Burnout, chronic stress and neurodiversity
If you’re experiencing burnout or have been under chronic stress for many years (often the case with previously undiagnosed neurodivergence), your capacity might be low. Just like applying spoon theory to chronic illness, we don’t get to choose the amount of energy available to us, or the way our system responds to different activities. We do have agency over our choices, and we can make significant improvements over time, but we can’t force it.
Personally, I overrode the reality of my capacity for many years. I had no framework to understand the level of stress I was experiencing in ‘ordinary’ stuff day-to-day, so I got very used to pushing through. Which you can do… until you can’t.
I used to look at the available time in my calendar, and just slot things in. Yep, there’s time available there, I can say yes to that thing.
Burnout recovery is a particularly challenging landscape, because your capacity can be teeny tiny compared to what it was previously. But through the recovery process you can build amazing skills in setting boundaries, self-awareness and communication.
What neurodivergent people wish you knew about their energy capacity
When your spoons are in short supply, it’s hard to communicate about this stuff, because you can feel like a ‘bad friend’ or a bit of a killjoy when you’re turning things down or giving yourself plenty of recovery time. People don’t necessarily understand the balancing act, or the seriousness of the consequences if you go ‘over the edge’ of your capacity.
If someone you know is neurodivergent or dealing with chronic illness or burnout, remember that you may not be seeing the full picture of what they’re dealing with. They might have seemed just fine when you saw them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not struggling.
If someone isn’t in contact much or doesn’t show up in the ways you want them to, try not to make assumptions about what it means. We so often assume that a lack of contact means a lack of effort, or that someone isn’t showing up because they don’t care. It may have taken everything they had that day to reply to the message you sent them two weeks ago. As much as they wish they could meet up for dinner or do something wonderful to celebrate you on your birthday, simply replying to that message (eventually) might have been a huge investment.
Managing energy capacity well takes clear communication, understanding, and solid compassion for self and others. Try out some of the practical exercises I’ve mentioned here, along with regular self-reflection around your capacity. You might be surprised how simple adjustments to planning your day can make all the difference.
And, of course, if you want more collaboration and support in this process through coaching, you know where I am!
