What actually stops you reaching for that thing you’re addicted to?

Whatever it is, there’s something it represents. There’s something it’s offering me an illusion of (or a passing experience of) that I don’t believe I can access without it.

 

I was walking in the park and felt a moment of restlessness, like it wasn’t enough to be walking and taking in my surroundings.

I wanted something more, something *interesting*. To feel a certain part of my brain activated that is more stimulating than the calming effect of nature; to be at ease.

 

I was at a family celebration and there was a bottle of champagne being opened for a toast. I don’t drink, but I found myself wanting to be part of it. Wanting the glass of champagne, not because I want alcohol, but because I want to be part of a bonding experience. I want to be in connection, I want to celebrate.

 

I could believe I want a glass of wine, but it’s not the wine. It’s the experience I believe it will give me.

 

In many cases the object of our addiction doesn’t even give us that experience that we desire, but it gives us an illusion of it, or a fast-food version.

 

It can be helpful in that moment of craving to acknowledge what you really want. Just saying “I really want a glass of wine” keeps your focus on the symbol, not the real thing. Saying “I shouldn’t have a glass of wine” also keeps your focus on the symbol, not the real thing.

 

Since we’re talking about addiction, we’re assuming that you most deeply do not want to be hooked on this thing. That you’d like to change your relationship with it. In my case, I like my life better without alcohol. It doesn’t really work for me, as I don’t enjoy the impact of even a glass or two has on my brain and my emotions. So this isn’t about making alcohol wrong, it’s just an idea you can apply to anything that you don’t want to do but feel simultaneously pulled to do.

 

So, back to the glass of wine. If I pull my attention away from the wine for a moment, I don’t have to shut down the urge. I just incorporate a bigger perspective. I acknowledge that what I really want is to feel connected to my family, to have a sense of bonding and celebration.

 

Sometimes acknowledging the true desire actually breaks the spell of your craving. It bursts the bubble and you just don’t feel the pull anymore. Sometimes you have the glass of wine (or your equivalent) anyway, but what you did was interrupt the pattern. If you consistently interrupt that pattern in the moment, you’re paving the way for different behaviour over time.

 

Changes in addictive behaviour – even if they’re quite ‘light’ addictions – take time because you actually need to develop your capacity to meet your needs without the object of your addiction.

 

That’s why in some cases it takes intensive support over a number of years, because being able to meet your own needs is actually a big fucking deal.

 

In order to remove the wine from the equation, I actually need to be able to experience that sense of connection, bonding and celebration without it.

 

There was a time when I didn’t feel connected or resourced enough in myself to experience that sense of togetherness. In stepped alcohol. It’s taken many years to develop the inner resources to replace it, and more time again to break the habitual response of reaching for the ‘fast track’ of a substance just because I had so fully associated it with a particular context.

 

I’ve not talked about the phone thing so much, as it feels like a more subtle play (and it’s more of an active pull for me than alcohol). But it’s similar. It’s more about my presence with myself in solitude than the sense of social connection. 

 

What is the true desire? To be at ease, open, present.

 

What happens instead? I’m conditioned to be thinking, doing, solving. For my mind to be active.

 

 

The phone is also a good example of something I’m not going to remove completely from my life. I know there are people who do this, but I’m not going to be one of them. So I need to maintain a way of working with it, whilst not letting it tip into draining habits. This needs more nuance, because there’s no binary decision, and arbitrary rules (like only 30 minutes on this or that app) don’t work for me consistently.

 

What does work is noticing what’s at play. Noticing the pull, acknowledging the true desire, and doing something different.

 

Again, I might still actually reach for the phone. But first I pause, and notice what’s happening. I ask what I could give myself, how I could be with myself.

 

On my walk this morning, for example, I realised that I felt bored. I felt the pull on my energy of my phone. I pulled my awareness into a broader field of vision, literally looking out at the distance and noticing a bigger picture of my surroundings. I decided to let myself be bored for a few minutes. I caught a glimpse of the intense beauty of what was around me. Then after a few minutes I got my phone out and listened to a podcast.

 

It wasn’t wrong to stick a podcast on or check my messages. But it was an opportunity to interrupt a pattern of separation and distraction. Because what I personally want is to keep developing my skill to feel alive and present without constant input.

 

 

Your goals might be different, there’s no right or wrong in this. But these subtle, momentary interruptions to your default habits can go a long way over time.